secret battles of the heart

Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.

Psalm 51:6

 

Recently, the Lord gave me a very powerful dream.

In the dream, I slept. And as I slept, I fought. With eyes closed, I saw things that made me want to sin. But I fought through the temptation. I fought in my sleep. And in the dream, when I awoke, my teeth had fallen out.

I went on a quest to find new teeth.

I was embarrassed and I couldn’t stop crying, but I went to my mother first; she’s a dental hygienist. She tried to remain calm but she could not mask her palpable worry. I too was worried, but I was proactive. I made arrangements with her and her coworkers to get new teeth the next day.

I then left her office to walk “home”, only the way home involved somehow walking along a highway; casually stepping over hundreds of limp human bodies strewn along highway exits and lanes. Some were alive; some were not.

I arrive home. I sleep. I wake up…and I have new teeth.

What does it mean?

After researching the scriptural symbolism of teeth and chewing, my spirit’s consensus has been this: I will fight battles in my sleep by chewing on the word of God.

It’s not a natural battle. It’s an intensely other-worldly war of waters, words, and worship occurring in the depths of my heart. But though it’s in me, I do not fight. I surrender; and the Word fights for me.

My sin is darker than most. The sin in the depth of my heart is the sin that cannot be shared in small groups. I’ve done some very, very bad things. And I cannot afford to entertain even a sliver of darkness; for to crack open the door of darkness is to let it all in.

But in view of God’s mercy, I have been given the grace to render myself a living sacrifice. I allow his death to reign in me so that His life can reign in me, too. And His life is light. His light shines in my darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.

But because of the depth of my darkness, I know the depths of His power.

Fighting my battles requires truth in my inward being; and He is the truth. His word dwells within me; He fights within me. And He even lets me see how He fights. He fights in front of me, leaving me with wisdom for next time. Because even if I fail, even if I forfeit His victory and let the darkness in, He is kind enough to leave me with His wisdom and grace for the next battle we will face. He reminds me that He is who I want. He reminds me that without Him, I have nothing. He unites my heart to fear His name.

And by His grace, that secret place get purer and purer every night.

What about all those helpless highway bodies?

Those are the victims of this very battle I fight. I fight for me, but I also fight for them.

I will not allow the enemy to leave me laying in the street. I will meditate on the word of God day and night. I will be blessed; and everything I do will prosper.

How about you? How do you fight your battles?

 

 

Author: Gina Maria

28-years-old. Greek & Italian. Amy Winehouse's long lost Jesus-loving sister.

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